Reflecting.

Well, after waking up this morning, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about spilling out my life on these pages.

I feel like an open book, an open wound.  I have feelings of paranoia.  Everything I write about I am not sharing with anyone else.  I’m hoping that it is going to do me some good.  I am hoping that in a way, I can work through how all this makes me feel, to gain some understanding. I would rather this than pinning my heart on my sleeve, that’s just too dangerous.

The letter he wrote me, the letter I read last night has confused me.  The c.d he compiled for me was obscure and dark.  All the other c.d’s he has compiled for me in the past have been about love or songs that we have enjoyed together in the past.  This one is almost biographical and it has made me feel unsteady.

The letter is honest.  Its the kind of letter I wish I had got weeks ago instead of the bouncing back of blame that he was so intent on doing.

I can feel him through his music and writing.  I can feel his turmoil.  I can feel him processing his feelings, the relationship.  I can feel him apologising, I can hear it, I can read it.  I can feel a great sadness washing over me.

The music paints a picture of a man that who is the way he is, dark, troubled, emotional, confused and dangerous at times, then it paints a picture of me, the brush strokes are perfect, they have a likeness of me that no-one has ever been able to fully illustrate. The writing describes a man who understands, who is sorry, reflective, who understands me and why I have reacted in the way I have.

The last song on the c.d is a cover from The Stranglers called “Golden Brown”.  I remember him learning that song on the guitar.  I would sit there with him and sing along.  It’s a wonderful memory of us sharing something. 

I feel confused.  I feel so low and I know its a dangerous place to be when receiving communication like this.

Can a man really change?  Can he change?  I can feel him pulling me towards him, asking me to understand.  I still have feelings for him, but I am not sure whether I am still in love with him or whether it’s just that feeling coming from a place attached to memories. I’m not sure of anything anymore.

I know I miss him, even after all that has happened.  I know that I never felt such a pull towards someone quite the way I did with him. He has asked for us to meet.  I am scared of how I will feel if we do.  I am scared that I might want to go running back into his arms and believe that we can work this out. I am also scared that I will be facing a man that I have no trust in anymore.

I can feel myself slipping.  I feel confused and in turmoil.

Our damaged souls keep us linked.  The fact that we recognize so much in each other.  Our reactions have been so different though and that is what broke us.